bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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