True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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