this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
