Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
