Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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