summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
