I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
