I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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