you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
