Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
