I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
