found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize