they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just found puke in my bra..
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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