I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
