I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
