girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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