If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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