i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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