I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
