she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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