oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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