Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
