In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
