im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
