Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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