Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
