We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
