I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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