How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
