im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
