i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
there is puke in my bra ... again
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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