peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize