What a fucking waste of an outfit
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
