They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
