everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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