Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
