nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
