She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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