My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
