Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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