I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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