i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
