So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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