WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
