i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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