So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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