Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
