Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
