We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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