I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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