I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
