Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
