you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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