...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
