I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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