his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
