chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
