The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
