You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
