Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
if i died would you start the facebook group?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
