Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
