I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
