We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
