yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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