I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
