Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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