seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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