I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
