The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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