He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
