i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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