I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
