Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize