god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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