College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
