All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
