Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
