im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
