I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
