I think I won the penis lottery.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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